Team CRDL, Action!
by Redhazard
Summary: [One-Shot] Cardin fails at being good. Russel doesn't care. Dove is the only one with sense, and Sky? Sky is the worst.


**Disclaimer** : I don't own RWBY.

xXx

Team CRDL, Action!

xXx

It was a dark Tuesday morning when Cardin Winchester gathered his team.

"Team," Cardin said. His face was serious. His hands were bridged just beneath his chin. "It has come to my attention that some of the things I have done to certain people, some who go to this very school, may not have been all that okay. In fact, I may have been kind of an asshole."

Two-fourths of Team CRDL stared at him in stunned silence.

"No way."

"Major character progression. How did this happen?"

"Eh, there was this whole thing over the break while you two were away," Russel said. Unlike the others, he was playing on his scroll. "It was all very meaningful and entertaining with proper closure and shit."

"Anyway!" Cardin snapped. His left eye twitched every now and then. "It has been impressed upon me by certain people-"

"He means Port."

"Shut up, Russel!" Cardin coughed. "As I was saying, it has been impressed on me by certain people, _who will remain unnamed_ , that I might need to make amends in order… to… to b-be…"

The members of Team CRDL watched as their leader's face turned a curious shade of purple, almost as if something had gotten stuck in his throat.

"Come on, boss!"

"You can do it!"

"I don't care, but you might as well go for it."

"To be a better person!" Cardin finally got out. He panted heavily, tired from the effort. It was as if he had gone a full round alone against an entire team or worse, Pyrrha Nikos. He managed to spare a glare for his green-haired teammate. "Also, fuck you, Russel. Fuck you."

Far from looking intimidated, Russel just turned his attention back to his scroll.

"Now, as we all know, if we're talking about people I've wronged, we've obviously got to start with Jauney-boy."

"Well, duh."

"Obviously."

"What about Velvet?"

"Who?" asked Cardin.

"The faunus girl. You pulled her ears that one time."

"Not really narrowing it down, Dove."

Dove rolled his eyes. "The rabbit girl."

"Oh!" Realization flashed in Cardin's eyes. "Oh, her. Don't worry. I already took care of that."

"You sure?"

"Positive!"

xXx

Yatsuhashi Daichi was seven feet tall and could crush an Ursa's head like a watermelon. He knew the latter to be true, because he had done so once. Even so, he wisely took a step away from his team leader.

In front of Coco was the carrot cake that had been left at their front door. In her hands was the note that had been attached to the carrot cake.

"I am so sorry you were born a stinking faunus," Coco read. Her hand clenched into a fist, crumpling the note. "Signed. Cardin Winchester."

Her sunglasses flashed menacingly. "Yats, get my purse. We are paying someone a visit."

Her giant teammate nodded. "As you wish. Should I throw the cake out?"

Coco grimaced

"Leave it," she said. "Velvet does love her carrot cakes."

xXx

"The real question is what do I have to do to get Arc to forgive me," Cardin said. "And I think I have a pretty good idea."

"This ought to be good," Russel muttered under his breath.

"We're going to set him up on a date!" Cardin declared.

"Seriously?"

"We?"

"Can't you just get him a dog or something?"

"All of you, shut it!" Cardin said. He made a horizontal motion with his hand as if he were zipping something up. "Yes, I am serious. Yes, Russel. We. I am team leader. If I am stuck doing this, you are stuck doing this with me. And no, Sky. I'm not getting Arc a dog. That's way too good for him."

Sky blinked. He furrowed his brow and scratched his long sorta blue, sorta gray hair. "Are you saying a dog is better than a girlfriend?"

Cardin's reply was immediate. "Duh, dogs are the coolest."

"Rubbing a puppy's belly heals your soul, man. You ain't getting that shit from a girlfriend. You just get drama and fights."

"Yeah, Sky. Get your head out of your ass."

"Sky being a filthy heathen who probably likes cats aside." Cardin ignored the outraged look from Sky. "I figure there is no way Arc has ever had a girlfriend or been on a date. We hook him up. He has his first date, maybe even gets lucky. Who knows? Bang! Instant gratitude. Yeah, we know he'll screw it up eventually, but he'll always be grateful to me for getting him that first date. The question is who to set him up with. I need ideas, team."

"Isn't Nikos pretty much the obvious answer here?"

Three out of four people in the room looked at the one who had spoken. Dove Bronzewing stared back at them with a puzzled look on his face. Slowly, the other three stared at each other then burst out laughing.

"Yeah, right!"

"Like Arc has a chance with Nikos!"

"Good one, Dove!"

"Wait!" Dove held out a hand. "I am being serious here. I am pretty sure she likes him."

"Oh, Dove, Dove, Dove." With each repetition of his name, Cardin wagged his finger from side to side. "You poor naïve fool. This is why you should just buy some damn glasses and stop squinting so much. There is no way Pyrrha fucking Nikos likes Arc. I mean, just look at her."

"Yeah, she's way out of his league," Russel said. "Plus, they live in the same damn room. If she liked him, she'd have made her move ages ago. They'd be together already! She'd have to be impossibly insecure not to do so, and trust, me, she doesn't kick like an insecure person."

"Just look at their teammates. That's what happens when two people like each other and live in the same room. They hook up."

"Actually," Dove said, raising a finger. "I am pretty sure Ren and Nora aren't together. As in, they are together, but not together-together."

"What does that even mean?"

"People!" Cardin slapped his hands together. "We are getting away from the topic again. Dove's crippling blindness aside, we still need someone to hook Arc with."

"What about that Ruby girl?" Sky asked. "They hang out together, don't they?"

"Rejected." Russel dragged a finger over his neck. "She's Xiao Long's sister. That bitch is crazy overprotective. She'd kill him for dating her and us for setting them up."

"Point." Cardin nodded. "Rose's out."

"Doesn't Arc like Schnee?" Russel asked, putting his scroll down for a moment. "Shouldn't we just help him with that and be done with it?"

"No way." Cardin shook his head. "I may not like Arc, but I'm not setting him up with Schnee. I'm not that bad."

Dove nodded. "He's right. She's way too high-maintenance."

"And she doesn't even have the body to make up for it!" Cardin snorted and crossed his arms. "Sure, she has a good face, a cool scar, and lots of money. Maybe out in the city, that's good enough to be an 8 out of 10, but this is fucking Beacon. There is an 8 around every corner. There are literally more hot women here than you can shake a weapon at."

"She's not so bad, guys," Sky said. "Really, if only she would cut her hair…"

Sky immediately stopped as he became aware of the three angry glares aimed at him. "What?"

"How are you so horrible?" Cardin asked as if Sky had admitted to kicking puppies and baby seals.

"What?"

"Disgusting!" Dove added his two lien.

"Come on!" Sky threw his hands up. "There is nothing wrong with liking short hair!"

"Fucking human trash!"

"Sky's regretful lack of worth as a human being aside, where does that leave us?" Cardin asked. "Rose is out and so is Schnee. Does Arc even talk to other girls?"

"Not many. I am pretty sure that just leaves the BY in RWBY," Russel said.

"Belladonna and Xiao Long, eh?" Cardin held his chin in thought. "Not impossible but hooking Arc with either one of them just might be the most challenging mission of our careers."

"Has Arc even talked with Belladonna?" Dove asked. "I'm pretty sure they haven't."

"Who cares?" Russel shrugged. "She's always with a book or something. Just have Arc walk up to her with something to read so they can talk about nerd stuff or whatever. It should be easier than trying to hook him up with Pyrrha fucking Nikos."

"I still say she likes him."

"Whatever," Cardin said. "We have our targets, team. It's time to come up with a plan."

And so a plan began to take shape that day, and no one was ready for the outcome.

"I don't know, guys. I kind of think Yang and Blake have a thing. They'd look good together."

A multitude of pillows was thrown in Sky's direction. The gray-haired teenager was quick to duck behind his bed.

"Damn it, Sky!"

"What? What did I do?"

"Why are you the worst?"

"How can you even live with that shit taste, dude?"

 _"Oh, come on!"_

No one.

xXx


End file.
